A Requiem, again.

I  have a hand fetish for men who have smooth and almost perfect hands. I guess I envy them because I have rough, bony, and veiny hands. I envy them for having feminine hands.

There is no contentment in my soul nowadays; always looking for something. I very much relate to the song I Want The One I Can't Have by The Smiths. I don't know why, but there's this feeling that I just want to give up on myself.

It's fascinating that I get to say this while I am richly provided with all things. I guess I am going with the trend right now-want what they want, get what they get even if you don't need it. You have to show you're cool. You have to be what they want you to be and what they expect you to be. I am forming myself basically into a circus animal.

At the root of all this is the longing for attention and probably the self-validation. I think Lorde was right when she said: "I wanted the applause, the approval of things that make me go oh". It is true that I have been wanting things. I've been maniacally seeking it in my heart even though I know it's not right nor possible. And God says 'NO IDOLS!'

Why don't I just grow my hair?

Like the rest of those girls who look really pretty and dainty with their locks; I guess I don't wanna be like them. I just want to wander off from the norm sometimes. Or it's more than that; maybe I'm just plain mad at things or things are mad at me and they've given me an offer to cut my hair short. 

I now look like a boy in his puberty.

Nonetheless, in a nutshell, I feel like that I'm that kid from Moonrise Kingdom, Sam Shakusky. I seek to go out and find a perfect place for my useless infatuation with things that don't matter.

It will be a good placement for me if ever I set out on a deserted island. However, unlike Sam, I have no one to escape with..

or probably my thoughts and imaginations but they don't count.

By the way, because of the 'Rona you can't go to the dead, so let the dead come to you.

Or at least give it time to let the truth settle in your mind that nothing will ever be the same, ever.