I told Myself

 

I told myself I’d get married at 25
when I was once 15
which was 15 years ago
an ideal idea I’ve pondered on
extended breaks-
I guess I didn’t know
what life is like
or what commitment feels
like
or what dying to self means
I was 15
I was munching on half-baked cookies
I was reading
Osamu Dazai’s No Longer Human
and thought that
“what is there to lose?”
I guess that was a daydream;
I’ve never read that book
I suppose
even at 28, even when you have the means
to buy the book
you just don’t
just because you have a little money
does not mean you go ahead

and do it

turn that expectation

into an idol

and it becomes the very poison

that kills you alive

even at 30

I just wait.